That’s Not Me
That’s Not Me
by shawn misener
Who you see in that picture is not me
He’s some guy I found up North
and hired to be Shawn Misener
He only cost me a week a year
at this beautiful Lake Superior timeshare
***
Sometimes people recognize him
saying:
hey, you’re that writer from Lansing
or Flint or something
The guy who wrote that story
where the Cookie Monster screws this dude’s wife
To which the fake Shawn replies:
yeah, that’s me all right
but you better stay away from me
‘cause I’m a pothead and I’ve never been paid for writing-
not one single damn penny
***
But here’s where it gets surreal:
apparently I’ve been hired to be me as well
Maybe I’ve been reading too much Phil Dick
but I’m beginning to worry that the me who hired the me you see
isn’t me at all
It could be that the me you see
created the me you don’t see
Or, even better:
the me you see (or the me you don’t see)
is an android designed write words
and be a face on a (web)page
for mysterious covert reasons
I (he) could be anything
A creature from a paradimension
with eyes made of sweetgrass and salted butter
toting a skyscraper backpack full of scrabble tiles
The pissed off ghost of David Foster Wallace
shot back in time
to simplify his writing a bit
and recapture the American dream
Or anything else imaginable
But I’m sure the guy you see in the picture isn’t me
(him)
©
I thought that was you walking by in the light at the end of the tunnel. Hmm. I was listening to some Billy Squier when i started reading this…i had to turn the Billy Squier off. I think that guy in the forefront was you before you became a ‘Machinist’ and ran over pedestrians…but it also reminds me of that midget dude from American Pie, like number 4, where they play football vs. the midgets and the midgets beat the crap out of them.
He does sorta have a Chuck Norris appeal to him…’good guys wear black’ ‘hiyaa!’…’the only thing that can shave my beard is a diamond’.
I remember the poem about Bert and Ernie, but don’t recall the Cookie Monster screwing someone’s wife; i woulda expected that from Grover, but not Cookie Monster. There’s a bunch of youtubes skits that set Elmo on fire or blow him up and they rewired his voicebox so he says stuff like ‘ah shit!’ and other expletives.
Classic Paranoia that you can laugh at…i luv it! I hope you or whoever is you got that package i sent in the mail…they were acting real wierd at the post office like i was a unibomber or something…maybe they saw who i was mailing it to. I want a timeshare at your house, man!
Hey, wow, that really isn’t me. He’s much to fit and attractive.
I tried to upload an image of myself but failed.
So, in a weird twist, the guy in the picture isn’t me. For real. I think.