Real All of the Sudden
By Beth Cortez-Neavel

(For Allison James, Austin Chaffin, Sol Richey, and Alex Red)

It was just real all of the sudden,             Alison said. I couldn’t

handle it. I

had to run upstairs and scream and cry and

slump down on the floor.

“My friend shot himself in the head.”

The sentence had just come out

of nowhere.

Jeffrey and I had been sitting on the couch and

I

just broke             the             silence with that fact.

He didn’t say anything back,

he didn’t even look at me, he didn’t react.

I almost thought

he hadn’t even heard me. It made it so real then.

Austin and Sol              called me

on the way to his funeral.

I just wanted to speak with you.            We’re on the way,

Sol stayed the night and we’re going…             I

invited friends so he would have some friends there.

We’re going to have a party,

It’s what he would have wanted.

Friendly                                                                         joking,

I don’t know the words,             he was older, 22                 and

he             did             seem more responsible he seemed like he

was older             than the rest of us,

but at the same time he was still –

he didn’t             act             like he was older than us –

he didn’t

treat us like we

were younger, he seemed genuine.

When he talked to people            it was like he wanted to hear

what they had to say, not just formalities

like when you meet someone

he                                                  was actually interested. He

was like that with everyone,

he would always introduce himself.

Allison said.

I remember the first time I met him,                                             I

was hanging out with jimmy and

we weren’t really doing anything and

he just showed up and said                                          Hey,

I brought over a bottle of Crown!

It was the middle of the day.

He treated everyone the same

it was like we had all been good friends.

The western world keeps death so distant, so dissociated.

People die in hospitals; we send them away to die.

It is not real for me in the daylight,    with the normal world

hustling and bustling.

Other cultures worship their dead, praise them, have picnics

on their graves and parties in their memories.

We                                                                        keep it sterile,

safe,                         distant,                         out of mind.

Death.

It’s like I could go back there,                         right now and

every thing would be the same.

But that’s not true. Everything is so different. He’s gone.

It’s not real right now,

yesterday it was real.

It was                         like                         I had to pull it together and

make it unreal again.

I don’t know.

Red hair

really

red hair –                                                            I remember

someone mentioning him

once before

Asking             if             I knew him

You know,

tall guy

red hair

No I don’t know him.

very red,

very distinctive.

He was cute,

he was nice                                                 he was handsome,

tall,             he was built,

he wasn’t like the skinny guys at Bard.