There is only one reason to watch My Bloody Valentine 3D.
Iâ€™ll give you a clue â€“ it has nothing to do with â€˜My Bloody Valentineâ€™ â€“ although weâ€™re sure there are many horror fans who will be interested to see a virtual remake of the 1981 flick Quentin Tarantino dubbed â€œthe greatest slasher movie of all timeâ€.
And, no, it isnâ€™t Betsy Rueâ€˜s lengthy full frontal scene â€“ although it is probably worth the price of admission alone.
Itâ€™s the 3D effects. Of course, making horror movies 3D is nothing new. But judging by the two notable examples which spring to mind â€“ Jaws 3D and Freddieâ€™s Dead: The Final Nightmare â€“ itâ€™s fair to say itâ€™s a largely been an unsuccessful marriage â€“ so far.
My Bloody Valentine at least delivers the 3D goods. Throughout the course of the movie you will spend your time dodging pickaxes, tree branches and various body parts â€“ all good fun.
But take away the effects and you really are not left with much.
In fact, watching My Bloody Valentine 3D is like peering into Kirsten Dunstâ€˜s mouth â€“ a big gummy mess.
Sure, the 3D effects are a nice distraction, but not enough to brush aside the filmâ€™s eminent shortcomings.
First, we have the rather ludicrous plot, which admittedly sticks quite closely to the much-feted original. Now, this could take a while.
It basically revolves around Tom Hanniger â€“ played by Wentworth Miller lookalike Jensen Ackles (Smallville and Supernatural) â€“ who, as an inexperienced coal miner in his fatherâ€™s mine, causes an accident which traps and kills five men and sends the only survivor, Harry Warden, into a coma.
A year later, Warden wakes up in hospital on Valentineâ€™s Day and proceeds to hack 22 people up with his pickaxe â€“ as you do.
He is finally tracked down and killed, but the guilt sends Hanniger over the edge, who leaves the sleepy town of Harmony and girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King â€“ Slackers, Sin City) and best mate Axel (Kerr Smith â€“ Final Destination) to pick up the pieces.
A decade later, he returns to find his ex-girlfriend and best mate, now the sheriff, are hitched.
But, even worse, within minutes of his return, a killer dressed in Harry Wardenâ€™s coal mining gear and gas mask (think Darth Vaderâ€™s inbred, redneck cousin) is once again wreaking havoc, killing dwarves and hacking pieces off the good townspeople of Harmony. Bugger!
Then there is the acting and the script. Now, we realise that director Patrick Lussier has tongue firmly pressed against cheek throughout most of the movie, but by the end of it we were not even sure which bits were supposed to be funny.
It didnâ€™t help that a lot of the actors spent most of their time spitting out their lines while wearing the expression of someone who had been forced to smell their mateâ€™s fart.
Old pros Kevin (Lost) Tighe and the great Tom (Creepshow) Atkins do their best, but the only thing that really adds any depth is the effects. Even the rats cannot act.
But where My Bloody Valentine 3D really falls down is as a horror movie. Strip away the gimmicks, itâ€™s a very sub-standard slasher movie.
The death scenes are unoriginal and fail to exploit the effects in great, er, depth. Plus, there is very little suspense. A crime for someone like Lussier, who has served as horror auteur Wes Cravenâ€˜s editor for many years.
In fact, the scariest thing about the film is the randy dwarf who owns the local motel.
My Bloody Valentine? More like My Bloody Waste of Time.