Would You Be My Corn Muffin?
Would You Be My Corn Muffin? By Calvero I was sitting on the train and I had just finished a corn muffin and it was a really tasty corn muffin too, and, because Iâ€™m so innately chubby, I sat there on the train all by myself and all I could think about was how much I really missed the tasty corn muffin I had just devoured. I missed my corn muffin a lot. So much so that I just sat there in my seat and stared longingly at the numerous corn muffin crumbs that had fallen on my crotch, wishing they could somehow collect themselves and gel together like the T-1000 from Terminator 2 and form a new, smaller corn muffin for me to eat and enjoy, and the thought of that made me real happy at first, but then the thought of that made me real sad at second. It made me real sad because I was missing a corn muffin. Not a person. A corn muffinâ€¦ I was missing a corn muffin, and missing a corn muffin is sad, and sometimes I feel like Iâ€™m missing people but when I do Iâ€™m never sure who it is Iâ€™m missing, and when youâ€™re not sure who it is youâ€™re missing Iâ€™m pretty sure that just means you miss having people to miss, and as I sat there missing my corn muffin I felt the train come to a stop. I felt the train come to a stop so I made myself stop staring at my crotch because I didnâ€™t want the people getting on to walk by and be like, Yo, whatâ€™s with this lunatic who canâ€™t stop staring at his crotch? and it was a good thing I did make myself stop staring at my crotch because as I looked up this red-headed girl walked over and sat down in the seat in front of me and she was really pretty this red-headed girl, and as I looked at her I could feel it. I could feel her giving my heart a boner. I could feel my heart getting horny for her heart because she was really pretty and because she was wearing an olive colored pea coat which I thought was so cute and so funny for some reason, and even though I didnâ€™t know her at all I was like, Oh thatâ€™s soooo something she would do. Thatâ€™s soooo like her to wear an olive colored pea coat, and I secretly giggled to myself at what a character she was, and as she fidgeted around trying to get comfortable in her seat in front of me, I looked at the beautiful back of her beautiful head and her hair was a little bit damp, and her damp hair left me to hypothesize that she had either just been snorkeling or that she had just recently taken a shower, and I ended up guessing that she had just recently taken a shower because she smelled good and because not too many people go snorkeling in New England either. Especially not during the winter, and as I sat there behind her admiring the beautiful back of her beautiful head, I wished so badly that I was somehow wearing a pea colored olive coat so that I could be the ying to her yang, the Cousin Larry to her Balki Bartokomous, so that without saying so much as a word I could just get up, walk over to her and sit in her lap and slowly fall asleep in her arms as she lovingly petted my head like I was a cat, but I wasnâ€™t wearing a pea colored olive coat, because even though Iâ€™m no fashionista, Iâ€™m pretty sure that pea colored olive coats donâ€™t exist, and this left me all alone in my seat with nothing but my crumby crotch, wishing so badly that I had the courage to sit down next to her and be like, â€œExcuse me, I know Iâ€™m not wearing a pea colored olive coat, but would you mind possibly being my corn muffin? Would you mind if I just sat here next to you and held your hand and listened to Green Day on my headphones while you looked out the window and daydreamed about Coffee Coolattas? We wouldnâ€™t have to speak. We could just own the air around us. We could own it together, just you and I, and I could fill my lungs with you and you could fill your lungs with me, and if we do that sure the sun will still shine down on us, but maybe it wonâ€™t hurt as much as it normally does. Would you mind if I wrapped my silence around you like a ribbon? I think itâ€™d look really pretty on you. Iâ€™ll wrap my silence around you like a ribbon and Iâ€™ll tie it nice and tight so it wonâ€™t fall off, and if you like it, and if you wear it, and if you donâ€™t take it off, nothing will have to be said and everything will be understood, and when you feel understood everything feels right even if everything is wrong, and all anyone really wants is to be understood. Weâ€™re all just math problems that want to be understood so we can be solved so this way we can be completed and feel whole. And most importantly, when the train arrives at Grand Central, would you mind untangling yourself from my frayed existence and leaving me here alone and never seeing me again? And as you walk away would you mind making sure not to look back too? Would you mind not looking back so that Iâ€™m so overcome with grief that Iâ€™ll wanna douse my entire body in yellow paint and lay down in the middle of the street and be a human speed bump? Would you mind making me feel so lonely that I wanna die? I donâ€™t feel lonely ever. Not even a little bit, and if you donâ€™t feel lonely ever, not even a little bit, Iâ€™m pretty sure that means youâ€™re not real, and I really wanna be real. I wanna really be real. I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ahhhhhâ€¦ so slam my body down and wind it all around. Would you mind doing that for me? Would you mind slamming my body down and winding it all around? I know itâ€™s a lot to ask, but at the same time, itâ€™s really not. Itâ€™s really not at all.â€ I wished I had the courage to sit down next to her and say all those things but I didnâ€™t, so instead I just sat there and dusted the corn muffin crumbs off my crotch and then the train arrived at Grand Central and she got up and left and disappeared into the crowd, and I didnâ€™t know what to do with myself so I went to Zaroâ€™s Bakery and I bought myself another corn muffin, and buying myself another corn muffin made me happy again. It made me happy again because the corn muffin was tasty and it made me happy again because it was just nice to be in good company again too. Then I walked out of Grand Central and went on my way, content and relieved to be knowing that for the next 3 or 4 minutes the sun wasnâ€™t going to hurt as much as it normally did. â€¦You know what? I bet she had just gone snorkeling.