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Submitted by on June 2, 2014 – 6:40 am 2 Comments

today
Today I Found Out That True Love and Swamp Ass Are The Same Thing
by Shawn Berman

it was so hot out yesterday-

I’m talking

‘record-setting,

puddle of sweat,

let’s go to the community pool’ hot out.

Plus, my A/C just broke so I was all like,

‘I’m definitely leaving that guy on amazon a bad review,

he said this air conditioner was top notch and I just go it two days ago.’

Anyway-

I packed a cooler full of beer, threw on my bathing suit,

and walked down to the community pool.

I found a chair next to some hot moms-

the leather straps burned my back,

so I felt that a nice cold beer would cure that.

I cracked one opened,

and I began to chug.

I looked around-

Fat kids were running to the diving board,

yelling

‘CANNONBALL!’

And belly flopping all the water outta the pool.

The sun was bright and it made me happy,

but then a bee stung me and I started to freak out because I couldn’t remember if I was

allergic to bees or peanut butter.

I immediately had a panic attack and began to cry a little.

I don’t know why I was crying-

I shouldn’t have been crying over a bee sting on a nice sunny day,

And I shouldn’t have been crying at a public pool.

Then I started to wonder why I was crying,

and I realized it was because I was at a community pool with tons of beautiful women,

and none of these beautiful women even knew I was there.

I said to myself,

‘boy, you better stop crying

or none of these women are gonna want to have sex with you.

You look like a pussy crying over a bee sting.’

So-

I finished my beer and played it cool-

and it was a good thing I started to play it cool because there was a seat right next to me,

and a cute blonde girl came over and said,

‘is this seat taken?’

And I told her,

‘that it was all hers.’

She smiled.

I chuckled.

She was wearing a polka dot bathing suit and she had a towel wrapped around her head.

Suddenly,

I wished that I remembered to had packed a towel

so I could had wrapped one around my head. I woulda turned to her and said,

‘look, I have a towel wrapped around my head just like you- how funny is that?’

But she probably wouldn’t have laugh.

She sneezed and it sounded like thunder,

and I really hoped that everyone else didn’t think it was thunder

because I didn’t want the pool to close-

I wanted to pull my chair closer to hers and say something like,

“I know I’m not wearing a towel around my head so you probably won’t want to

listen to me,

but I think we would make a great couple.

We would be like one of those power couples.

Like Brad and Angelina,

Or Ashton and Mila.

And people would be jealous of us when they see us holding hands,

walking down the street.

You don’t have to say a word if you agree with me.

We can just sit here next to each other and watch the parents scream at their children for running or

we can just watch The Office on my laptop,

and share my headphones

so we can drown out the whole world.

There will be nobody else.

Only us.

Laughing-

and having a good time.

And when the pool closes we can continue this at my house

or you can just forget that I ever existed.

But would you do me a favor and wipe my memory clean?

Can you make sure that I forget everything about you so I won’t be sad and lonely?

Because you are

soooooo

soooooooo

sooooooooooo

perfect

in like a

‘I gotta have everything right now and I just can’t wait’ way.

And I just want you to know that I really mean this because just a minute ago I was

crying over a bee sting but then you came and made it all better and now I’m happy.”

She got up from her chair,

packed her bag and got into her car.

I don’t know where she was going,

or if she was a mind-reader and knew what I was thinking the whole time,

but if she was a mind-reader,

she was the most beautiful mind-reader I had ever seen

and it woulda explained why she was wearing a towel around her head,

because she was protecting her mind from water damage!

Part of me hoped that she just went to get more beer,

or another pair of headphones,

so we could watch The Office together

at a more comfortable volume for the both of us,

but she never returned.

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