Dear United States

Dear United States Department of the Treasury Customer Service:
By Josh Maday
I am writing in regard to your product Money. I am not satisfied with your product, and I hope the following helps you understand why.
Your Mission Statement as per the Bureau of Engraving and Printing website clearly states that your goal is to satisfy your customers with the quality, quantity, and performance of your product. It is not the quality of your product I am unhappy with, but the qualities your product manifests in many of your most frequent (and, incidentally, most visible) customers.
In addition to the adverse behavioral effects, I am concerned that your product is highly addictive. I feel that you are not taking responsibility for the destructive effects of this widespread addiction to your product, which continues spreading exponentially, and totally unchecked. Addiction to your product has grown to epidemic proportions, far beyond drugs, cigarettes, pornography, alcohol, work, food, entertainment, etc. Your duty as a responsible member of the community—local, global, human—is to confront this volatile situation by whatever means necessary.
However, aside from all that, the main problems I have with your product are those of quantity and performance. Your product has failed me in these two areas. Miserably. First, quantity. This is a deceptive term. I take this to mean “as much of the product as the customer needs, when they need it.”
The proper quantity of your product—the quantity necessary in order for it to perform as advertised (again, using your most frequent customers as examples)—is always at least one unit more than whatever quantity I happen to possess. Therefore I have been perpetually dissatisfied with your product both in terms of quantity and performance.
I understand that this may be due to problems in distribution. But the evolutionary pace of your distribution lines cannot remain an excuse forever. Your customer base would broaden dramatically if your product was made available in the areas of highest demand, areas which have been chronically under-serviced, even neglected. I thought capitalist economics would have made that clear.
Finally, as is customary for a business who wishes to satisfy current customers in hopes of retaining their patronage (and because it’s far cheaper than winning new customers (your little frolic in Iraq should attest to that)), I hope you will find it worth your trouble to send an enclosed complementary sample of your product.
I hope my letter helps you see how real customers might be having difficulty with your product. If you need to contact me, please use the enclosed self-addressed package. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Josh Maday, Dissatisfied Customer

0 thoughts on “Dear United States

    This piece is right on target. Clever. Witty. TRUE.
    This should be posted everywhere. Can I post this everywhere?

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