Big Anthony

Big Anthony
by pataphysics
A word bubble came out of a lamp post giving me directions on
where to get a good beer in town. Thanking the lamp post was
arduous. I had to sketch a thank you on an adjacent wall on to
which the lamp was shining, for that was the only way for it to see.
The chalk I used was fetched from the street, and it was a dense
gray thing. The task had worked up a great thirst. I made my way
to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer. “We don’t serve
beer to underage pranksters!” I was thrown out of the bar, and
the townies stole my cap. A police man saw the whole thing and
promptly arrested me for disturbing the peace. The jail cell that I
was put in smelled terrible, and the food was not edible. My fast
lasted days and I was slowly shrinking in size. One day, I was no
more than three inches tall. There was a stream of water running
from the bottom of the toilet in the cell. A small raft carrying a
miniture city erupted from the source of the stream. Inside the
city there was a sad man who had lost his true love to a dwarf.
We sailed out of the jail and into the wilderness in search of the
dwarf’s cave. Inside the cave, there was a loud party. Many
imaginary animals were running upside down, and there in the
back part of the cave was the sad man’s girl. It was astonishing
to see her laughing and playing games with the dwarf and his
animals. “I guess she has forgotten me. Let us leave this place
at once. I can’t bear to see her like this.” He told me how it was
when they were together. They silently ate their food, mournfully
walked on the beach, spent many taciturn hours before the sad
man’s hearth reading the good book, and all the depressing
adventures they had been on. He had lost me when he started
talking about the meals they ate together. I was suddenly siezed
by hunger and plunged headfirst into the dwarf’s pantry. I began
eating sugarfishes, flower sausages, and silver marshmallows by
the score. My body expanded with the force of a tidal wave, the
cave exploded, and everyone died a horrible, bloody death.