Black Eyes
black eyes
by drew deGennaro
Mary’s eyes were black.
The circles left by her mascara
looked like she got hit
with a fist.
Joe came towards her.
The electric was out
and the two
yelled at one another
repeatedly.
I’m gonna do it.
Do what!
Mary was ready
and Joe just smiled
as if he murdered someone
right before they
started to go to town.
That’s it Joe!
The rain cried
all night
until the sun
shook the couple
awake
hitting them both
square in the face
and that was when
Joe and Mary
realized
it just wasn’t working
any longer.
Style is very Bukowski!
What draws me most to this is the missing information that is left up to the reader. Cool.
I agree. What makes this narrative poem work is that which is omitted. That which is omitted not only strengthens the flow, but it also, as Hemingway once wrote, “make[s] people feel more than they understood.” But I think that you should get rid of “the rain cried.” True, it maintains the flow, but it’s predictable and uninteresting.