What it is like to be a bat

What it is like to be a bat
by jim benz
Abstract:
This poem partially describes the ongoing effort to home-build a JW-03 Luxury Blender. You may read it as an illustration of the brilliant things people do in their spare time, but I also hope to encounter a few readers who will attempt to wag their pistols — or are doing so already — and wish to complicate their credibility by building on my own success as a disassociative model.
If you found your way down to this stanza, you probably know what std(X) is, but I want to regurgitate: if X is a matrix, std(X) returns a row vector containing the standard deviation of the elements of each column of X. If X is a multidimensional array, std(X) is the standard deviation of the elements along the first nonsingleton dimension of X. Which means ‘you’, or a close approximation of ‘me’ describing ‘you’.
The trick of this equation is to measure ‘space as a verb’ (for the purpose of determining the erectile function of a hairy-legged bat) by calculating the rotational heat capacities for NH4+ and ND4+ in NH4PF6. This of course leads to prurience, but when male genitalia are introduced to their female counterparts, the subsequent tunneling frequencies reverse their thermal expansion loops, thus resulting in a state of ‘soft modernity’.
Our results suggest that the D.ecaudata penis is under directional sexual selection and is a reliable indicator of male phenotypic quality. Satisfying these dependencies in advance (as much as possible) will greatly ease the pains of building your own Luxury blender. Fortunately, recent studies indicate that the instinctual inclination to not view ‘penises’ as ‘poor nucleophiles’ is mediated by our capacity for mixed metaphor.
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Note: If the idea of generating kitchen implements that spawn sexual phenomena via ionized ammonia does not appeal to you, you will probably find this poem too exciting. Still, if you’ve never attempted to mount a peizo-stepping device inside a glass-rod frame, I suggest hanging the frame/mount device via rubber bands from a tripod on the White House lawn.
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By reading this poem you agree to the following terms: 1) You MAY NOT use this poem for your own pleasure, nor may you relate it to the works of Abū Rayhān Bīrūnī. 2) You MAY NOT redistribute the elements of this poem (for example, in a blender) without written permission from the Nantong Ronghui Machine Co., Ltd. 3) You MAY link this poem to any delusional model you wish, but ONLY if it is NOT wrapped in cellophane. 4) You WILL abide by any philosophical statement inserted into this poem at a later date, regardless of logical coherence or uropatagium. 5) Online payment via credit card is the preferred method of subscription to this poem. Payment is due in advance for access to premium services.

0 thoughts on “What it is like to be a bat

  1. “This of course leads to prurience, but when male genitalia are introduced to their female counterparts, the subsequent tunneling frequencies reverse their thermal expansion loops, thus resulting in a state of ’soft modernity’.”
    This is insane brilliance, Jim! I keep peeling the layers of the onion back here, looking for something, and in the end there is nothing. An absurd, beautiful nothing. I laughed in my head (LIMH,as opposed to LOL) several times.
    In some obscure, poverty-striken corner of Chile, they use blenders to make bat energy drinks. Just add a little chili powder. LIMH.
    Great read.

  2. mmm. Spicy guano shakes. “LIMH” makes me think of something, at least in terms of nonsense. Its my usual reaction to Monty Python’s Flying Circus. After watching for a half-hour, I feel like I’ve been laughing my head off, but in reality I probably never made a peep. So I wonder, what quality of absurd humor inspires this LIMH rather than a outwardly physical reaction? Weird question, I know, but I’ve been wondering about it for years. I participated in a discussion about absurdism at another site, called the Sphere, and humor never came up as one of its attributes. In fact, it was a very serious discussion, even though absurdity is basically ridiculous and therein lies its humor. But it’s a serious sort of humor (oxymoron?), cerebral, in that it doesn’t make us laugh on the outside nearly as much as on the inside. Unless we’re children, then we roll around on the floor giggling — just because it IS absurd. Anyway, that’s probably a pointless tangent. Thanks for the comment Sean.

  3. To me, most things absurd are funny, and if not, they are tragic. So maybe the impulse to LIMH is a result of the fine line absurdity draws between comedy and sorrow.
    But not always. Absurdity is still best when light, surreal, observational, not ironically tragic. Maybe we LOL at things like the Three Stooges and America’s Funniest Home Videos because our physical laughter mirrors the physical (slapstick) and “lowbrow” style of humor. Whereas absurd humor is cerebrally funny, so we LIMH.
    Well, I hope we invented a new text acronymn here today. At least the Brits would appreciate it.

  4. Very nice, but is it absurd? I’m not sure. It mostly feels like a satire to me (which, of course, portrays its subject as absurd or ridiculous). The Abstract section lost me, but the remainder of the piece as well as its general structure brought me right back in.

  5. Quintessential supersiliousness. I was able to assemble a JW-03 (Lite version) Luxury Blender and made a few peyote milkshakes for you. Thanks for the pick-me-up. Although i got in trouble for wagging my cap-gun inside the house and discharging it at potato salad. lol.

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