Crime and Punishment II
*Editor’s Note: Sometimes we are compelled to post the entire submission.
My name is MatevÅ¾ HÃ¶nn (Born: 7.7.1972 Slovenia, living in Beijing , Height: 180 cm , Weight: 76kg , no-smoker, moderate drinker, part time writer, chess player, soccer and jazz fan). I graduated from University of Economics, before studying Sinology and moving to China , where I work. My grandmother says I used to write nice stories when I was little, but now she is worried every time I get published.
Flash fiction work: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT II (copyrightÂ©2009 by Matevz Honn):
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT II
by matevÅ¾ hÃ¶nn
I choose to write you, â€˜cause the news got around Tora Bora Mountains you specialize in romance and gardening novels. Excuse my English, I learned from CIA map which shows my farm located right on planed oil and gas pipelines route from Turkmenistan via Afghanistan to huh port in Pakistan .
So! My name is Fahran and Iâ€™m farmer from Afghanistan . My mother call me F and Russians called me Fahranovoj and Americans says Lucky Frank. I support myself raising chickens and another plant, I better name not for security reasons. We also have donkey Fyodor Mikhaylovich, but he is of zero economic value. He ainâ€™t even talk anymore, since he was sexually assaulted by Italian troops who planted landmines around our village. For better understanding leâ€™me tell you I also have a cock, named Raskolnikov and he has hell of the testicals down there. Having goddamn balls almost as big as Fyodorsâ€™s he is real commander in the barn.
So! Letâ€™s roll! The main player in my novel CRIME AND PUNISHMENT II, is 57 year old governor, disappointed by selfishness of materialistic society, impotent alcoholic and hit by middle age crisis. Manically depressed he rejects appeal of woman and her younger sister who are fastened on electric chair for money laundering. So far so good! Smells on grilled meat and we havenâ€™t even started! One might find resemblance to Dostoyevskyâ€™s CRIME AND PUNISHMENT, the only book I ever read in my life. My good friend Dmitri gave me, when Red Army flee Afghanistan . He said: read Fahranovoj and your people will have future. So far so good I say! The governor should go for madhouse, but I see owners of Dostoyevskyâ€™s copy rights loading rifles. No, I ainâ€™t copycat! And the CIA telling us we must honest and they give highest price for poppies of the white plant I better not name. So, big turning point on horizon! The Governor instead of turning himself in, runs for president, win e
lection, bomb one country, then punishes another, then (sorry I privatize the show) he bombs my village. Napalm bomb burn Fyodor Mikhaylovich down to ashes and chickens explode into 9773 pieces, their feathers landing in slow motion on debris of my farm. Artificial limbs factory (US-China JV) shares jump to new record. I would like keep my fate secret for now and fate of Raskolnikovâ€™s balls also. Old villagers says keeping readers curious you got bestseller.
This my virgin novel you know and for credentials I can only tell ya my chickens lay 28% more eggs when I tell them ghost stories. Believe me 28% is a hell of percentage! F you have talent for narration my old, abused by 7 armies, mum says.
I enclose manuscript of CRIME AND PUNISHMENT II and hope to hear from you before it is to late.
Drive SW of Kabul
Pass artificial limbs factory
Climb hills flattened by cluster bombs
My farm on left
0 thoughts on “Crime and Punishment II”
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. It’s like Borat on acid. Congrats to whomever penned this little gem.
“chickens explode into 9773 pieces”
ah, Raskolnikov and his goddamn testicals. this was great. especially the return address.