Testes Theology

Testes Theology
A time/space bounce between Shawn Misener and Quasimofo
They erected PVC crosses
marking an apocalyptic energy pattern
from Lansing to Stephenville
They sucked energy drinks through their ears
while Jesus stood at the end of a diving board
made solely of indifferent souls and tungsten
looking down he remarked to his sidekick
about switching the robes out
for a purple body suit made of nylon and sequins
“dude, just do the dive already”
sidekick whined, picking his cosmic nose
“they’ve been waiting a hell of a long time”
Take all the short straws
you got out of life and
put it together for magic hay
in your imaginary petting zoo.
Jet skiing on the Sea of Galilee
takes a little faith since
the Hamas cub scouts take
pot shots with sling shots.
I’ve got an indian friend
i pay to cook for me–
he’s my Sioux Chef–
he scalped Chef Boyardee.
Coming to kung-fu grips
with this coming of age
realizing the pros and cons
is for professionals and convicts.
The Palestinian mired in Wal-Mart
browsed the deli meat
scratching his eight o’ clock shadow
A single shimmering sequin weaved
from the flourscents
and lands in his unwashed hair
A voice in his ear
(the sidekick)
The Son of God is in your womb!”
“But no womb have I” he whimpered aloud
frightening the 300 pound woman
twirling in her Hoveround just behind him
Jesus wriggled between two swollen testes
and smelt scrotum swishing sweetly
as they pounded his undeveloped ears
“just go with it, Lord”
transmitted the sidekick, quietly alarmed
They say to get your just desserts
you have to walk upright in the eyes
of the Lord but i haven’t learned
how to eat pussy standing up yet.
Once i made a deal with God–
I said “God give me a million
dollars to make up for all
the wrongs i’ve been dealt!?!”
But it was like preachin’ to the choir
who sings “Welcome to the jungle
babey, you gonna die!”
…stupid Baptists
(Presbyterians who can’t read)!
Oh my heart cries jugs of sparkling
H2 aqua–the kind if you turn it
upside down it makes pretty
refreshment liquid for office
workers who pluck the little
white cones from the bottom–
the kind if you turn it upside down
it makes a dunce cap.
Here’s what it amounts to:
Only Florists can rest on their laurels;
Only Bakers can have their cake and eat it too;
Only Beauticians can give lip-service; and
Only Bureaucrats who moonlight as Butchers
can hack their way thru red tape.

0 thoughts on “Testes Theology

  1. *snap*
    (the sound of my fingers snapping)
    Good one! I really like the dunce cap observation- I was thinking exactly that at Beerland a month ago and imagining a miniature trouble maker under the inverted drink cone.

  2. Pow. This kicks ass. First lines in section 2 almost sound like Randall Blythe lyrics. The Palestinian in wal-mart is excellent. Then I read the first lines in section 4 and my head dropped like a bass drum. hillarious.
    This is like getting one of those baseball cards with two players on it, only you aren’t shafted by Topps on the value later because they felt like matching up Nolan Ryan with some shitty reliever. Thanks for the collaboration.

  3. i like the beginning with the image and implications of ‘PVC Crosses’. Then a diving board made of ‘indifferent souls’ and tungsten–‘tungsten’ bringing to mind ‘tongue’ which is a nice visual comparison to diving board. well done! The modernized recreation of Jesus in an industrialized world dialoguing with a lone sidekick is enthralling, though you may spend some time in the 5th ring of Hell for writing it. jk. Cool project! i had fun doing it.

  4. Like every poem I like; this one seems addressed to me. Like walking into a conversation where you discover you are the topic~ it’s the closest you can come without dying to actually being in heaven; existing simply as an idea shared across open space between two points~ waving but not particularly at anyone.
    Good job on this poem. I enjoyed reading it.

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