If Bozo the Clown Were President

If Bozo the Clown Were President
by kevin brown
What is satire?  Satire’s the truth toned down. -Anonymous
If Bozo the Clown were President, he’d be sworn in with a BANG!  At the Inauguration, he’d Rocky Balboa the steps of the U.S. Capitol, and shadow box for the press.  He’d take the official oath with his fingers crossed behind his back: “I do solemnly swear, yadda, yadda, yadda,” he’d say.  “…and defend the Constitution of the United States, oh help me God.”  Then, he’d smack the Chief Justice in the face with a cream pie.  This would be followed by a 21 cap-gun salute and the Big Top Band playing, Hell, Here’s the Chief.  And Cooky would be Vice President.  Wizzo and Cuddly Duddly cabinet members.  They’d cartwheel down Pennsylvania Avenue.  Throw candy like a real parade.
If Bozo were President, he’d start an arms race, where all the weapons are toy flag guns that say, POP!  POW!  Or: KITOWW!  He’d have all airplanes built with the same material as the black box.  He’d put treadmill belts in front of fast food registers, so patrons could burn calories while waiting for their food.  Speed them up if the orders are Super-sized.  Instead of food drops to starving countries, he’d drop the starving off at Chuck E. Cheese.
President Bozo would then change the type of element that backs the world’s currency.  Instead of gold and silver, he’d make it water and see how fast we’d drain the oceans.  Class separation would be levels of dehydration.  Next, he’d make everyone from each country pick up and move to another—Britain to Africa, Japan to China, Germany to Israel.  Move America to Iraq and see if we’re really so advanced or if it’s just location, location, location.  He’d stop worrying about life on Mars and focus on death on Earth.  He’d settle all wars by having each side play the Grand Prize Game.  Each bucket made is another battle won.
If he were leader, he’d say, “Ask not what your country has done to you, but what you have done to your country.”  He’d make diamonds worthless.  Make gravel precious stones.  Then, the streets would be paved with jewels.  He would institute a reversal of celebrity.  Make movie stars, sports icons, and rock gods pay outrageous ticket prices to watch teachers teach children, maids scrub toilets, and mechanics fix cars.  He’d improvise his speeches and give the world a reason to laugh.  He’d text message the State of the Union Address: M-S, V-P-C, M-O-C, etc., etc., and it’d be the easiest to understand in years.  He’d put humans on the endangered species list, because we’re all one nuclear pissing contest away from extinction.  He’d bring ice cream to NATO meetings and say, “I scream, you scream, we all scream.”  He’d squirt water in Queen Elizabeth’s face.  Pull a rabbit from Hu Jintao’s ear.  Give a balloon to Kim Jong Il.  He’d make the world a fun place.  Make the world a better place.
If Bozo the Clown were President, he’d be assassinated with a smile.

0 thoughts on “If Bozo the Clown Were President

  1. horrifying. i was waiting for the part where he goes home to the white house, drinks heaploads &leaves his bedroom in a homocidal clown-rampage.
    what’s further backwards is we were just reading about theories considering ‘depression’ what’s triggered by someone with an otherwise high pain tolerance, which is maybe why meds have side effects up the wazoo. so he would die crying.
    unless he really was brave.

  2. i like this sick twisted world you’ve created. if bozo the clown were president i think he would be brave and insane and would die with a smile and probably a tear rolling down his painted face. well done and thanks for sharing!

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