7 Quick Reviews of Older Movies

Eddie – I know the poster says this movie is hilarious, but it’s not. It’s just a story about super Knicks fan Eddie (Whoopie Goldberg) getting the chance to become head coach of her beloved Knicks. Eddie is usually a limousine driver, but goes to every Knicks game and sits in the cheap seats. A Texas oil-man named Wild Bill Burgess buys the team and starts to shake things up. Wild Bill is played by Frank Langella who for some reason I got mixed up with Sean Connery. It doesn’t matter really because this is the same old story. Eddie, without any experience, inspires a rag tag bunch of basketball players to come together as a team and get out of their losing slump. Several real-life NBA stars make cameo appearances, including Dennis Rodman. Still very shitty movie.
Honeydripper – Who doesn’t love a good Danny Glover movie? Don’t you remember him shitting on Tracy Morgan’s hand in Death At A Funeral while that Game of Throne’s midget dances around? Oh yeah… classic Glover. Anyhow, this movie is basically a blues song told out in movie form. Glover plays an old musician named Tyrone who now owns a juke joint in 1950’s Jim Crowe Alabama. A wandering guitarist named Sonny (Gary Clark, Jr.) wanders into town and meets a blind guitarist on the street named Possum (Keb’Mo’) and is almost instantly arrested by the racist white Sheriff. Glover is looking to land a big name guitarist by the name of Guitar Sam to make a bunch of money and get his joint back on track or else he’ll be shot by some people he owes money to. This and that happens and Glover taps Gary Clark to impersonate Guitar Sam when Guitar Sam doesn’t show. The movie ends oddly with Possum leaving town saying something like, “My work is done here.” Also, a couple members of Led Zeppelin formed a band in the 80’s called “The Honeydrippers”, but I don’t think this movie has anything to do with that. This movie is pretty terrible even though Glover doesn’t have one of his infamous toilet scenes.
Rampart – James Ellroy wrote this movie. He also wrote L.A. Confidential, but what do you get when you pair up Ice Cube and Woody Harrelson? A huge fucking piece of shit movie. This movie has tons of stars in it. Buscemi, Jenny from Forrest Gump, Sigourney Weaver, Ned Beatty from Superman 2 and some other people I recognized from other shitty movies. Anyhow, Woody Harrelson plays a dirty, drunk, racist cop who beats up a minority and it gets caught on tape. His life was already shitty and now it gets shittier, but he’s politically savvy and knows how to cover his ass. Or does he? Basically a Rodney King thing.
All Hat – I can’t even believe I watched this fucking terrible movie. Probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen ever. Remember Batteries Not Included where some gangsters want to take over the old people’s building, but that retarded guy brings some little robots back to life to flip hamburgers and save the day. Yeah, same thing except not nearly as interesting. Basically a guy gets out of jail after fucking up this rich dick’s leg and gives him a permanent limp. The rich dick is still around and is trying to buy up all the land to build suburbs or something. So the main character gets a group of rag tags to fight back and they win. It also has some horse racing. Mostly this girl who is a drunk, jockey slut.
Safe House – Love me some Denzel. Denzel getting all soaped up in one scene and watches the shampoo run down to his balls, then gripping his balls while at the same time shaving his beard off and then raping Ryan Reynolds and yelling, “Call me Sandusky!” and then the CIA breaks in and starts water boarding Ryan, but Ryan is crying from the rape when Denzel walks out and gets into a brand new Mercedes and drives off and shoots a telephone pole in half with a pistol and no one can follow him. Actually none of that is what this movie is about. It’s about a CIA operative gone rogue after stealing some secret files. Then the government wants the files and some hired mercenaries want the files too and everyone is trying to kill Denzel, but Ryan is supposed to “bring him in”. They probably say, “Bring him in!” about a hundred times, but then Ryan decides not to because Denzel is right. Denzel is always right, just about the time the shampoo suds reach his balls and the chopper explodes.
Gone – I don’t know who is in this movie. That girl who looks like a catfish I guess. So this girl was once abducted and thrown down a hole in the woods and she escaped by stabbing the guy with a bone shard and climbing up some duct tape. Then the guy comes back and steals her sister, but everyone thinks she’s crazy and thinks her sister just started drinking again and they don’t believe her. At this point she takes matters into her own hands and goes after the serial killer who has been killing tons of girls, but never gets caught, in order to save her sister. This movie takes forever and isn’t that good because at the end she just says, “I’m crazy, remember?” and everything is alright.
American Wedding – Hey… you wanna suck on my dick? Take a little sip of my special wedding candle? No? Fucking fag hole. I just ate a dog turd and then fucked someone’s Grandma in a closet. I bet I can fuck that chick. No way… you’re getting married and there’s some vomit in your shoe. Haha! There’s like a hundred of these shitty movies out and it’s all the same damned dick jokes. These are the pinnacle of terrible fucking movies. I couldn’t even watch this entire piece of shit. Someone should kill everyone in every one of these godamn movies. They still use the term “boning” in these movies like in Weird Science for fucks sake.
-Travis Catsull