by Dirk Michener
I have been experiencing excruciating stomach pains. Remember that guy Kurt Cobain? My life is exactly like his. I have a daughter named Courtney Love that I adopted from a Korean couple. My wife is a professional basketball player. I sit around the house playing keyboards in the laundry room. It is the only room in the house I feel comfortable playing keyboards. Courtney Love is in boarding school in Connecticut. My wife is at basketball training camp. There’s nobody home but me. I do all the cooking myself. Homemade Hot Pockets and Spaghetti-O casserole. I went to culinary school in Tours, France. Cooking for one isn’t easy. When my wife and Courtney Love come home for Christmas all they want is rice and fish and a little bit of seaweed. They are both very active and healthy. I, on the other hand am lazy and thoughtless. Sometimes I go to raves and dance for hours, drinking water with a serious look on my face. I massage my wife’s calves in preparation for “The Big Game”. She has a professional who is supposed to do this but she lets me do it sometimes when I ask. Her calves are like baby mahi-mahi.
I mail Courtney Love a pumpkin cheesecake every few weeks and she texts me things like “tx dad got cke ulk plz lv u 2 dy ldl”. I read her texts and turn my phone to silent. The Dr. said I need to do everything in order to understand what’s going on here. I told the Dr. I had no insurance and he told me that nobody did. I said “that’s a relief” and he smiled and showed me out.